Wednesday, August 08, 2007


I've posted three times in the past week and no one's checked or commented except those I have given the URL to. So with that in mind, I'm going to write something.

My life has taken an interesting turn. Until this past year, it's been nothing, with the occasional something. I would be constantly available, and every no and then I would do something or hang out with someone. This is the person I was. Though I enjoyed pretending, God was not a part of my life.

Now, my life is always something with the rare occasional nothing. It almost depresses me. I seemed like the person who never had anything happen to them. No one came to me with big issues. I was no one's rock. No one knew me. No one depended on me. No one loved me. No one expected anything of me.

Now I work. Now the pressures of school are most dire. Now I'm in love, and the woman I love needs me. Now I feel so lost. When I was free all the time to think and be myself, life was like a blank canvas. I could do or be anything I wanted. I could sculpt the path in whatever way I saw fit. But now my schedule- my cluttered canvas- is full. Now my life seems written, and the only thing left for me is to act it out. It seems like the only thing that keeps me alive is the fact the Rebecca loves me. It's the only thing I want to act out. But everything else breaks my spirit.

I know I'm inexperienced, and I haven't seen the world, and I haven't met enough people, and I haven't tried enough things...but it seems like I've done everything. Like there's nothing else but the work and the money. Like the school and the homework. Payments on the car and the house. Saving for retirement. Giving up.

This routine frustrates me to tears. And what's even worse is that the routine is the only thing I desire. I need things to be planned and perfect. Spontaneous fun is no longer an option for me really.

These are the things that ruin my life. These are the things that hurt me.

But there is more to my life that I also can dream about at the end of the day.

My family, though a weathered and broken one is still a family. And family is perhaps the most treasured value to us. Though we can be angry with one another, and perhaps even want nothing to do with one another, we'd also never let harm come to one another. I feel a safety in this.

And my friends. People who are like me. People who want me around. People who talk about me, and would call me to try to spend time together. People who care about my well being, and would never allow our ties to just vanish. People who would fight for me. Makes me feel like I have some impact on the world for just being myself.

And finally, I can sleep at night, and persist at work and school solely because there's a girl in this world who has the missing part of me. Rebecca is the one I love. Rebecca is the one I'd die for. No one is perfect, but she is perfect for me. Everything about her is everything I need to live. And above all that, she loves me more than I could ever imagine. She saved me from this cluttered canvas that destroys me.

Let me tell you all what I need now.

God made me as a stupid idiot who cannot understand the subtleties of His words. I'm the kind of man who needs to hear a big booming voice, or a burning bush to show me the way. And until that day, I'm going to need something, or someone to just help me understand.

I'm sad about who I am. But that sadness cannot compare to the joy of all of you. The things you've given me. It cannot compare to her love.

Maybe no one can understand this due to the tone of my writing, but I am a happy man.

Happy to be alive.


Blogger Eric said...

Dude, that was simply an awe-inspiring post.

If you need help, I'll show you the way, though I'm much newer at it then you.

7:52 PM  

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